A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.