I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.