I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.