And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.