I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.