I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.