Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'