Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.