I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.