I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.