Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.