Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time."

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.