Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.