Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.