Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'