Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.