Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.