I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.