The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.