The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.