It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'