It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.