There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.