Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.