Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.