A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.