A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.