Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.