Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."