Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.