Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.