Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.