When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.