When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.