When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.