When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.