The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.