I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.