Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?