It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.