People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.