People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

I've never read an article of clothing.

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.