I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

I love Steven Wright.