I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, "Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good." Hopefully it balances out.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!