I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.