There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.