There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people's approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval of other people, in comedy clubs and showbiz meetings.

I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.