It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time."