I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.