I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.