As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I love Steven Wright.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works".

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.