As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.