As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'