As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

Most stick people are black.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.