If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.