A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.