A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.