I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.