I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.