Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.

I've never read an article of clothing.

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.