Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works".

Vampires probably don't have great breath.