Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.