I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.