If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.

Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.