If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.