If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.