If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.