If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don't care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'