A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.

When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.