When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.