I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.