But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

Clowns have no respect for pie.