But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.