It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.