It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.

I need to develop some patience - immediately.