I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
Demetri MartinIt would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
Demetri MartinI like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
Demetri MartinYou mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
Demetri MartinIt's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
Demetri MartinI love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
Demetri Martin