For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.