A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."