There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.