There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.