I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.