Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.