I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.