Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?