Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.