Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'