I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.