I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works".