I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.