'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.

I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.